If like me, you write or enjoy reading action-based fiction, nothing can kill a passage like the over-use of “to-be.” Maybe Shakespare’s Hamlet did ask a critical question, and as a guiding principle for what follows, we’ll answer it with a qualified “not to be.”

Passive voice and just being

I’m not going to get terribly technical, but the problem worth avoiding takes two forms. One is known as passive voice, and the other one boils down to overuse of “to-be” in place of more suitable active verbs. The following two examples show this.

The heads were severed and placed on the mantle. [passive voice]

There were severed heads on the mantle. [just being]

Now, admittedly, in that second example, it may seem natural to use “to-be” since after all, severed heads don’t do much — hard for them to go all active and such, right? Let’s take a look at a lengthier example to see how what could turn into a fun passage stalls with passivity and being, and then we’ll look at some ways to activate the passage.

The Bad

Brandon was surprised when he saw the basement. Upstairs the house had been small, or seemed that way, but its basement was nonetheless large. A large pool table was wedged against one corner. A brown L-shape generously padded sectional couch was curled around a large coffee table, where at the moment there was a stack of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout containers, across from which was a wall-mounted 50 inch flat screen TV. Beneath it there were two different name brand gaming boxes, and their various control consoles were thrown on the edge of the coffee table. And with all that there was still plenty of room for three long tables, atop which were beakers, burners, and other chemistry equipment. Brandon was amused by it all, too. Was it a Meth lab, a game room or an entertainment pad? It was an all of the above, big score for him.

You may think it ridiculous to see that many highlights. Maybe I over-cooked this sample passage. Or maybe I’ve seen my fair number of real world, full-on published samples of this sort of writing. Here you may point out how people naturally talk this way. In response I’ll tell you that one or two of those “to-be” constructs may do OK, but all of them? Can’t we at least throw in a couple of active verb sentences in there? Could we at least break the monotony and add some variety?

Let’s take one try at this and see how it turns out.

The OK

Brandon faced the size of the basement with surprise. The space before him stretched the full length and width of the house which up top had seemed small. A full regulation size pool table rose in one corner. Taking up the adjacent corner, a brown L-shape sectional couch enclosed a coffee table holding stacks of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout containers, along with game console controllers whose wires wound their way up to two different name brand gaming boxes beneath a wall-mounted 50 inch flat screen TV. And that still left plenty of room for three long tables that held beakers, burners, and other chemistry equipment. Brandon’s surprise gave way to amusement. Here before him stood a Meth lab, a game room and an entertainment pad, all in one, the full package.

Cool deal. Now we got us some active sentences. The problem? Some of them sound awkward or strained. That first sentence, for instance: it might work better to stick with “Brandon was surprised.” The other, more subtle problem comes from inanimate objects that become active in somewhat or over-the-top unnatural ways, like the pool table that “rose in one corner” or the couch that “enclosed a coffee table.”

To solve this sort of awkward or unnatural activation, I often express the action through the POV character. This gives us one additional advantage: we show more and tell less. Another way to say it, we use verbs to describe the POV character’s experience and interaction with the scene. Let’s see how this works with our man Brandon.

The improved

Brandon stopped at the entrance into the basement, his mouth open in mid-breath. He estimated the space before him spanned the full length and width of the house which up top had seemed small. His gaze landed first on a full regulation size pool table at one corner, then swept to the adjacent corner and onto a brown L-shape sectional couch. He stepped up to it and placed his hand on its thick, plush padding. From there he surveyed stacks of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout containers atop a coffee table. Game console controllers rested on the edge of the table, their wires winding their way to two different name brand gaming boxes beneath a wall-mounted 50 inch flat screen TV. All this still left plenty of room for three long tables that held beakers, burners, and other chemistry equipment. With a grin Brandon traded surprise for amusement. He’d scored himself a Meth lab, a game room, and an entertainment pad, all in one, the full package.

That last paragraph still needs some editing TLC, but hopefully you’ll agree a reader will find it more engaging than that first “to-be” mess I concocted. If nothing else, we’re starting to experience the scene through Brandon, our POV character. Active verbs do that. Give them a try.

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